In Memory

This is my story:

In 1989,I under went surgery to reconstruct my uterus My uterus had been turned side ways because of massive amounts of adhesions due to endometriosis. The doctor could not say for certain if we would ever be able to conceive. But sure enough six months after the surgery I was able to get pregnant. My husband and I were thrilled as you can image we beat the odds, after a year of trying and surgery we were well on our way to a family. When I found out I was pregnant we had just transferred to New York ,my husband was in the Navy, and we just finished out our stay in Orlando Florida.
The pregnancy was progressing normally we heard the heartbeat around 14 weeks, went for the AFP test somewhere around 16 weeks, which was normal.
At 20 week, The nurse came in to do my vitals all normal, she turned on the Doppler to find the babies heartbeat, she started having problems ,so she went and got another one she still could not get the heart beat ,by this time I was already feeling sick to my stomach, she went and got the doctor, who came in and picked up the baby's heart beat without a problem. He said he must of been in an awkward position and it was hard for the nurse to get the heart beat. He did his normal check, and everything was perfect we were right on schedule.
At 24 weeks I went back for another normal Ob- visit, baby was moving and kicking right along ,again the nurse had a difficult time finding the heartbeat, she asked the doctor if he could do it again. This time he too was having a hard time getting the baby's heartbeat. They sent me down for an emergency ultra sound, as you can image I was so sick to my stomach again, the tech found the baby's heartbeat right away, and everything seemed to be normal. The size of the baby was perfectly pre portioned for 24 weeks ,so relieved I left to go home. I ran into the doctors while I was there ,he had come down to check me. He was happy to hear the good news and said that he must of been hiding in a funny position again.
At 28 weeks I returned for another normal Ob- check up, feeling great my husband and I went out and started purchasing baby items ,right before my appointment feeling very good baby was kicking and wiggling all that morning while were out. Little did I know those were going to be the last kicks I ever felt.
I went into the doctor's office again the doctor and nurse could not find the heartbeat, he said not to worry we have been down this route already ,I honestly was not worried because we had problems with the heart beat the last two times so much we learn after.
I went to the hospital to have another ultra sound, The tech came in, she too was pregnant ,and she was saying do not worry this happens more times than you think and all is fine. When suddenly she got this very funny looking face, She turned the screen, and went out to the get the doctor My husband and I were not expecting the news we were about to hear, The doctor came in and started doing the ultra sound herself ,All of sudden she turned off the screen and turned to my husband and I and said I am very sorry your baby has died. How could this possible be ,he was kicking and moving all morning long. She said I do not know it must of been sudden. Complete in shock not knowing what to say or do. My husband and I just cried.
The doctor came back in and said we needed to return to the doctor's office for additional instructions. We stumbled out of the hospital ,my husband trying to hold me up, my legs did not want to work anymore.
We returned to the doctor's office. I am sitting there with a bunch of other pregnant women all happy and giddy while I am just hysterical. I tell you is that mean or what to make me wait in the lobby.
We went in to the see the doctor, I told him again how can this be true the baby was moving and kicking this morning ,He did not have an answer.
He said we need to have you back in the hospital tomorrow morning to start inducing labor ,unless you go into labor on your own tonight. Again how can you possible send someone home, To this day I never understood why they would ever send a woman home. So they say its better for the body if you go into labor on your own. Even if that is so ,I still think its horrible no one should be sent home in that type of condition.
My husband and I drove home in silence ,In all honestly I kept thinking this had to be a bad dream. This cannot be possible happening.
When we got home my husband called our family members they too could not believe the news. My Mother ,Brother and Sister drove from Massachusetts to be with us.
This was probably the worst night of my life, To this day I cannot even remember most of it, I was just so out of it.
I tried to stay awake, for fear of closing my eyes ,Every time I closed my eyes I woke up with horrible nightmares, Awake I would collapse from crying and exhaustion. I started having horrible hallucinations ,I was starting to go into mental shock by the time morning had arrived. My Mother Husband and I headed to the hospital, still thinking this cannot be real. When finally I saw a couple of nurse's heading in my direction. I snapped tried to run thinking If I left than my baby would be fine. I finally collapsed on the floor, and went into shock. The doctor told my husband they needed to perform a Emergency C-section. Next thing I know I am waking in the recovery ,thinking yes this was a dream when I reached down to pat my tummy, my tummy was no longer the comforting feeling I had known for seven months. Hysterical again in recovery they sedated me. They pretty much kept me sedated my entire five days in the hospital.
The next day the nurse's brought in my beautiful baby boy. My husband cried like I had never seen him before, he wanted a boy more than anything ,and he got a perfect little angel. I unwrapped him from the blanket they had him wrapped in, and took off his hat, I wanted to see what could possible been so wrong for him to be taken away from me so soon. He was perfect ten little fingers and toes and all. The only part that was not so perfect was the incision down the front of his body ,they preformed an autopsy after the birth. The cause of death was heart failure due to Trisomy 18 a rare chromosomal problem. At the time I had no idea what Trisomy 18 was ,all I knew was I was only 23 years old ,and my life went from planning the birth of our first son ,first grandson to planning funeral arrangements. This was just too much to bear for one person.
I have to say another very difficult moment for us was ,they placed me on a maternity floor. They tried to get me to leave my room and walk around after my c-section. I refused to walk the halls with new mother's and their babies. I honestly too did not care how quickly I would recover from the surgery. I had no one to recover for.
I spent five very long ,lonely, blurry days in the hospital.
Leaving the hospital was very difficult for us, Since everyone was being discharged at the same time ,All the new parents were leaving with their new bundle of joys, and all we got to leave with was the momentum's of our son.
When we returned home ,the Military was very kind, they sent us many flower arrangements had gave my husband extra time off for our grief. I would say the hardest thing is right after you give birth you body doesn't know it doesn't have a baby to feed. By the time I came home ,my breast were filled with milk ,We lived in close military quarters, so when I heard other babies crying my breast would let down. They can give you a shot to stop your milk from coming in. Except our doctor did not believe in it.
The months following his death took a huge physical and mental toll on my body. My body never healed right after the C-section ,I was in and out of doctor's office from one infection to the next. My doctor turned on me in my time of need. I called him to get medical information ,and for him to treat the problems I was having. He would not see me, he had another doctor treat me. The nurse finally told me he was having a very difficult time coping with loss of our son. This was his first delivery of a Still born baby. You know to this day that just irritates me. If he had stopped to realize that this may have been a difficult time in his career how does think this has affected our lives. Going to the doctors was the only time I left my house. I refused to go out in fear that I would see a pregnant women or a baby, I watched very little for fear of turning on the and seeing the same. One time my husband persuaded me to go with him to the store ,and don't you know I bumped into a mother who had a newborn in a baby carriage ,I lost it I crashed into a display, hysterically crying, my husband picked me and carried me out, after that he said he would never make me go out again ,until I was ready. Our relatives came to visit frequently ,I was still being heavily sedative. The grief had just totally consumed me and I know longer wanted to live in this world that would take away the one thing that meant most to me in my life....The loss of a child is something that will profoundly change your life. I went from a very bubbly person to a person who is always in fear of something going wrong. It has �been 16 years since the death of my son, to write this and relive it in my mind is still so horrible difficult. I miss my baby boy more than I could ever tell anyone. My arms ache and my heart aches for baby who I never watched grow. The hospital took photo's ,feet and finger prints, we got to keep the blankets, and hat that he used ,in his short time here on earth. When I am feeling lonely I take down those precious items of his, and hold them dear and I can once again remember how it felt to hold him near....
16 years later I am the proud mother of three living children. Jessica age 15, John age 12, and Jennifer age 10.You may read about their birth stories on my High Risk Pregnancy Page. From the time I had my first surgery to conceive my son, my body has been through more than one body should. From four C-sections, two miscarriages and 13 abdominal surgeries. Every day is a day of constant pain. You may read about my chronic pain problems under My Pain My Story
As much as I have been through, I would not be here if it was not for the strength and love of my family.
They have all held me together when life was trying to shake me apart.